My husband informed me that the closest thing to exercise
addiction is opiate addiction.
He should know. He is
a pharmacist.
So here is this thing about running. It has gotten under my skin in a way that no
other endurance efforts have. I’ve been
training for, well, probably about 8 years now – ever since the Army 10-miler
in October of 2008. It started out with
just running. A couple of years into
running, I started to bike with some friends, and a future triathlete was born. I did my first triathlon – NYC – in 2012… and
promptly signed up for another one 2 weeks later. Signed up for my first 70.3 (half Ironman
distance) in 2013 – training all winter and flying out to the West Coast for
that one, throwing in a few shorter ones in the mix that year. 2014 was Ironman year. I got used to training a LOT. Up to something like 16-20 hour per week at
the culmination of that training. I
always assumed that I’d just keep trying to better myself as a triathlete,
perhaps another Ironman where I could improve my somewhat dismal run
performance. But then, last year, in
2015, after spending all winter training for and doing pretty well at Florida
70.3, I set my sights on a 50 mile ultramarathon. And, somewhere in the journey, I stopped
being a triathlete and started becoming a runner.
I’ve been trying to analyze what has been so compelling for
me about running versus a more balanced training program like triathlon. Also, I wanted to explore, here, that
delicate balance between a positive addiction and a negative addiction. It is all intertwined.
So it is a fact that I am addicted to exercise – running, at
the moment. Addicted in the true sense
of the word. I know this because, well,
I get addicted to things. Smoking – I was
a 2 pack a day smoker from age 16 when I started until age 30 when I tearfully
quit. Drinking – that career was shorter
but more eventful. Drank – lots – from age
16 until 22. Eating? Well, there are some weird relationships with
food is all I have to say about that one.
In this post, anyway. Enter exercise.
So – in many, many ways, exercise (running) saves me and
gives me tremendous joy. It has
certainly carried me through one of the saddest and most difficult periods of
my life. I have met wonderful
people. I have experienced stunningly
beautiful race venues. I have learned
that I have a competitive streak I never knew I had. I have transitioned from being a reluctant,
back of the pack athlete who only took up running so as to avoid a huge weight
gain when I quit smoking, to a motivated racer with a vigilant training
schedule. To someone who now will often place
in the top third of racers – sometimes top quarter (heck, last 2 ultra races, 3rd
woman and 2nd woman in respectively).
So what’s the issue?
Well – going back to “the first step is admitting you have a
problem” – the issue is maintaining balance.
When do addictions become problematic?
When they start controlling YOU – rather than you controlling them. When they negatively affect your
relationships. When you feel like you
are at their mercy. When it stops being fun,
and starts being something else entirely – like a job you didn’t even realize
you ever applied for.
So – me, and running.
It is a constant quest for balance - to try to achieve the positive
benefits of the running community, of pushing myself and seeing what I’m
capable of – of achieving that perfect Zen of being absolutely at one with my
body, in touch with every aspect of how I’m feeling as I hit mile 35 feeling
GREAT… but not sinking down into being a
slave to something that is supposed to be fun and bring me joy.
It’s a tough balance – because in order to be successful as
an endurance athlete, there is a constant component of pushing yourself when
sometimes you don’t want to. Your brain
will, with some regularity, need to push you to do things outside of what you
might “feel like” at the moment. Call it
will power – but without that, there is truly no way to maintain the kind of
training schedule one needs to maintain to train for a 50 or 100 miler – or Ironman. So what does it mean to not be a slave?
For me, lately, it’s mean really looking at my goals and
identifying where I TRULY want to spend my training time. For example, ever since last spring, when I
essentially stopped being a triathlete and started running 5 days a week, I’ve
tried to maintain at least 1 swim and 1 bike workout (in addition to the 50-75
miles of running) just for when I decided to go back to triathlon. In order to keep at least 1 rest day in the
mix, this invariably meant at least 1 evening workout (run in the morning, come
home and bike). And the number of times
I did NOT want to come home and hop on that bike was, well, about every
week. And yet I keep doing it.
Strength training.
Somewhere last fall I started trying to do this 3 times a week instead
of 1. I definitely saw the benefits to
how I felt and performed. But, the
stress of trying to get to the gym a couple of times a week… well, that started
adding to the feeling of this all being a job instead of a hobby I love.
So lately – I’ve been letting some of that go. Saying “I’m going to go home from work and do
whatever the hell I want. Screw biking”. Or, rather than go to the gym (which is
really the stressful part – adding in that extra time commitment – not the
training itself), try to do some strength exercises at home in between other
activities.
Letting these extra things go has freed me up to enjoy the running
part more. From a balance perspective,
having a hobby where I can do all of my training in the morning works better
than one where I’m regularly coming home and telling my husband “I’ll see you
in an hour – I’m hopping on my bike”.
And then spending a not very enjoyable hour on my bike.
So – those hours out there in the morning before work,
running along in the dark (and now the light) – those are mine. I’m doing them (generally) because I want
to.
So what has running given me that biking and swimming do
not? It has put me more in touch with my
body. With running, I know EXACTLY how I’m
feeling at every point of the journey.
And as I’ve extended my weekly mileage, I’ve also regularly started
running at a pace that makes me feel good rather than one where I’m always
laboring. There is a rhythm and spirituality
to a great run. There is me, moving
through my environment, through rain, snow, cold, heat, hills, flats, trails,
roots, rocks. There is, too, a chemical
component. The feeling of euphoria after
a really tough speed workout where I just push myself to the max is like a jolt
of drug straight to the brain. It’s a
high worth chasing after. Or the feeling
after a 26.2, 31, 36, 50 mile race. Or a
50 mile slow run training weekend.
Somehow after those efforts, despite any lingering stiffness or
achiness, there is contentment unlike anything else.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. But oh, what a problem to have!!!
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